A life that it is not.
I have a loving husband, a nice home with a solid roof on our heads, a good job with a decent monthly salary, loving family and a comfortable life. But then, why do I feel like I am sinking down lower and lower by the passing day?
If you ask me, I cant seem to put a finger on this helplessness I keep feeling in bouts most of the times. Sure I can talk to S, but shouldnt I understand it better first? Time seems not to slow down at all and I dont know why I feel like I am losing a battle against time. There are so many things I want to do during the day. Like blog here more often. Connect with my friends. Enjoy some me time. Feel truly relaxed for once. But no. At the end of the day, I feel like I have accomplished nothing.
I have a love-hate relationship with my pooja room. For exactly 3 months, it was completely untouched. When I started cleaning it up for Krishnashtami, I was feeling so guilty. I know my mom or my dad wouldn’t have liked to see how bad I was at this. Being brought up god fearing, I was also wondering if God would/punish me for my stupid ignorance? At the same time, my logical sense tells me none of this matters. God was surely in my thoughts and why does it even matter if His pictures are cleaned up or not? Yesterday I had prepared for very simple Ganesh Chaturthi celebration and wondered aloud to S, how beautiful the house looks with just a small lamp lightened. I also cribbed to him how I dont find time at all during the work week. His answer was so simple. You will make time if you really want to. It was like a slap on my face. Isn’t it true I make time for my exercise everyday? Isn’t it true I make sure I cook all three meals at home? Isn’t it true I find enough time to click pictures and post recipes on my food blog? Yes, may be I dont feel that lighting a lamp every day is as important as posting my recipes.
And that is the first time I could really tell what’s bothering me. While I am clicking my food pictures, posting recipes, making new friends, I am missing out on this blog. While I am exercising everyday, cooking all three meals, feeling a bit good about myself, I dont get as much time or energy to do anything else. My house is not sparkling clean all the time. I am missing out painting or making artistic stuff. While I feel like I am accomplishing 40%, I feel like I am missing out the other 60%.
On some days, I catch my breath only after I reach office. It is crazy in the mornings and crazier in the evenings. With S in late night calls and working sessions, it doesnt help one bit. Week days go by in a whizz with either of us working on something or other – without getting even an hour to ourselves. I miss our morning walks and the badminton sessions. It all feels like a distant dream.
I would like to think that I am not the only one feeling so in this entire world. Just as an outsider looking at my life being all rosy and beautiful, I think the same of someone else’s. May be I will feel better tomorrow. Or may be not. But the show continues. We are mere actors in this big play called life.