…..

A life that it is not.

I have a loving husband, a nice home with a solid roof on our heads, a good job with a decent monthly salary, loving family and a comfortable life. But then, why do I feel like I am sinking down lower and lower by the passing day?

If you ask me, I cant seem to put a finger on this helplessness I keep feeling in bouts most of the times. Sure I can talk to S, but shouldnt I understand it better first? Time seems not to slow down at all and I dont know why I feel like I am losing a battle against time. There are so many things I want to do during the day. Like blog here more often. Connect with my friends. Enjoy some me time. Feel truly relaxed for once. But no. At the end of the day, I feel like I have accomplished nothing.

I have a love-hate relationship with my pooja room. For exactly 3 months, it was completely untouched. When I started cleaning it up for Krishnashtami, I was feeling so guilty. I know my mom or my dad wouldn’t have liked to see how bad I was at this. Being brought up god fearing, I was also wondering if God would/punish me for my stupid ignorance? At the same time, my logical sense tells me none of this matters. God was surely in my thoughts and why does it even matter if His pictures are cleaned up or not? Yesterday I had prepared for very simple Ganesh Chaturthi celebration and wondered aloud to S, how beautiful the house looks with just a small lamp lightened. I also cribbed to him how I dont find time at all during the work week. His answer was so simple. You will make time if you really want to. It was like a slap on my face. Isn’t it true I make time for my exercise everyday? Isn’t it true I make sure I cook all three meals at home? Isn’t it true I find enough time to click pictures and post recipes on my food blog? Yes, may be I dont feel that lighting a lamp every day is as important as posting my recipes.

And that is the first time I could really tell what’s bothering me. While I am clicking my food pictures, posting recipes, making new friends, I am missing out on this blog. While I am exercising everyday, cooking all three meals, feeling a bit good about myself, I dont get as much time or energy to do anything else. My house is not sparkling clean all the time. I am missing out painting or making artistic stuff. While I feel like I am accomplishing 40%, I feel like I am missing out the other 60%.

On some days, I catch my breath only after I reach office. It is crazy in the mornings and crazier in the evenings. With S in late night calls and working sessions, it doesnt help one bit. Week days go by in a whizz with either of us working on something or other – without getting even an hour to ourselves. I miss our morning walks and the badminton sessions. It all feels like a distant dream.

I would like to think that I am not the only one feeling so in this entire world. Just as an outsider looking at my life being all rosy and beautiful, I think the same of someone else’s. May be I will feel better tomorrow. Or may be not. But the show continues. We are mere actors in this bigย play calledย life.

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “…..

  1. GB, I think it is incredible that you manage a full time job, cook 3 meals every day and find time to exercise. Would you feel better if you are told that I can never in my life accomplish so much? I know i *need* to have a cook if i am working full time. Or if I can’t have one, I will at best drag myself to cook one meal a day after work. The fact that you cook 3 fresh meals, and exercise and find time to blog about your recipes is very impressive. All of this over and above a job.

    I don’t see how you can fault yourself here. Please let it be known that it is exceptionally hard to fit in anymore into a day than what you already do. We’re dealing with limited bandwidth, not just limited time. If you expect yourself to have a sparkling home, AND find time for your artistic pursuits, AND manage your puja room, AND connect with friends, while working full time, I think you are being unreasonable in your expectations from yourself.

    If you continue to feel unaccomplished and feel the strain of passing time, then I think you should either realign your expectations (and be prepared to let go of somethings you want to achieve), and/or think more deeply about why you are feeling this way. It could be more than just wanting to fit in more into your day.. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • First, thank you so much for writing this Pepper! ๐Ÿ™‚ Made me feel so much better immediately. I do agree with you, I dont think I can fit in anything more into my day. On good days I keep telling myself that I cant be doing everything and that I need to prioritize, do things that make me happy. On days like today when I feel bad for no reason at all, I keep thinking of things I no longer do and agonize myself. I really cant explain myself. Probably I want it ALL, but should keep telling myself it is not easy or possible.

      There could be more to this feeling of mine, but I am not ready yet to explore further – not now ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. I couldn’t agree more with with what Pepper said.

    {Hugs GB}

    You are doing an incredible job with your full-time work, regular exercise and being back to your fit self after a long painful span. No-matter how hard we try, how much we multi-task, we can never fit in every wish into the 24 hours we get everyday.
    I work from home and still I cannot be posting recipes of the food I cook so often. I think you need a break to break the monotonous, hectic schedule, relax, rethink your priorities and maybe cut time from things you currently do to occasionally make room for other pursuits that you enjoy.
    I guess it is all about realigning your priorities with a relaxed mind.

    • Thanks a lot ME ๐Ÿ™‚ You are right – I do need a break and dont see one in near future. Probably one of the reasons for my post ๐Ÿ™‚ I agree – I need to rethink my priorities and set correct, realistic expectations ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Are you in Bengaluru? Then the bandh must have given you a long weekend no? Take it easy, sit back and relax, dont do food blog work over weekend and do that you yearn to do instead of all you usually do. Then you will feel heaps better ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Hi GB,

    This post made so much sense to me. I too feel on many days that I couldn’t do even half of what I wanted to. But then I have learnt that I tend to have unrealistic expectations from myself. I am slowly learning to pat myself on completing even the routine tasks and anything additional is a bonus.

    Like Pepper said, you are doing a lot on any given day. Appreciate yourself dear. Hugs!

    • Hugs right back Seema ๐Ÿ™‚ I will keep telling this to myself until it gets into my head strongly. And it’s true – most of this heart burn is from my own unrealistic expectations. I will work towards changing this attitude. Thanks for being there.

  4. TUSIN GREAT HO JAHANPANAH…

    you do ALL that along with a job.. oh BOY .. I am a disgrace a BIG disgrace just compared to you here .. if you ever want to come over to my house you better give me 2 months NOTICE.. because it is so dirty if i compare to what you have written.. it will take that long to clean it all I am telling you.

    on other thought I think life has become very busy.. time has become less .. I use to have all the time and Now even after I have left my police job I am still so very busy hardly get time to do anything .. I dont know what to do ..

    • Bikram, thank you so much for your positive note. Feeling much better now – no not because you told your house also needs cleaning but I know there are people like me out there ๐Ÿ™‚ Hugs to you! Hope you get a break soon.

  5. Dear GB,

    Let me share my two cents. I also go through bouts of the same feelings that you have โ€“ a sense of under accomplishment even when I am doing a lot! My youngest left for college two weeks ago. After years of juggling a full time job, kids, home, school work, extra-curricular activities, driving the kids around, entertaining kids, cooking for kids etc., – I should have a whopping 50% extra free time now right? Though the day to day physical work has lessened quite a bit, I feel so mentally occupied now. My mind is where my kids are and not where I actually live.

    There always seems a never ending list of things to do and I feel that I havenโ€™t accomplished much. I wonder is it because my list of things now involve a lot of nice to do things as opposed to must do things and I just stress myself out by creating un-necessary projects. I have ordered a gardening kit and want to do some home improvement projects. Basically, these are nice to do things that I was wise enough not to venture into all these years.

    Also, my mental and physical capacity is diminishing with age. We need to accept that. What I could easily multi-task and do 10 years ago, I am not able to do now.

    Then there are the really important things to do like retirement planning and other heavy duty stuff like that, which I keep putting off because I donโ€™t like to work on those projects. Then to keep myself from feeling bad, I create other nice to do stuff to feel accomplished instead of just tackling the must do project. You see how the cycle goes ๏Š

    So donโ€™t worry GB โ€“ most active people like you probably go through the same feeling. At least I do from time to time! Then I have to re-evaluate and re-arrange my life to get my balance again.

    I think as women we are now thrust into the workforce which takes a significant amount of our physical/mental energy and time. And then some of us want to do all those things that satisfy our soul like keep a beautiful home, raise our children, cook and serve meals to our family etc., I think a significant amount of satisfaction in our lives comes from the domestic side for us (not sure whether it is in a womanโ€™s DNA/the way she is raised/expectations/or a combination of all). And in trying to juggle all of these, we sometimes get exhausted and wonder what is the point of it all. I think it is normal. And I always hope that the next generation women which will be my daughter/daughter-in-law will know how to handle all of this better than meโ€ฆas we their motherโ€™s have hopefully set a good example for them by being kinder to ourselves!

    Best,
    SS

    • Dear SS,

      Your comments always make me feel so much better. It makes so much sense reading through everything you wrote. I in fact read it more than a couple of times ๐Ÿ™‚ All I can say is a BIG THANK YOU for taking time to write to me! Lots of hugs.

  6. Hey GB,
    I have been a silent reader here for the past few years, but this post compelled me to write. Everything you said resonates with me! It’s a relief to know I am not the only one with such an irrational sense of dissatisfaction. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I think you are doing a fantastic job, given all the challenges you have. But yes, do give this blog more attention, it’s my favorite read!

    • Thanks for delurking, Gowrink ๐Ÿ™‚ Glad my post made you feel better! As I understand we are not alone ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks again for those comforting words, will surely write more ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. You are a rockstar to be able to juggle so many things at a go. A person with immense talent and lots of patience and love. Don’t think too much, such phases come and go, treat them as a part of life. Living a quality life and being able to enjoy to the maximum along with utilising your talents is a challenge. Not everyone would be able to rise up like you do.

    So chin up girl. You rock.

    Lots of love
    Kavi

    http://kavisthoughts.blogspot.in/2016/09/some-updates.html

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