Panic, Worry and Staying Away

Last Friday was one of the worst days of this year for me. I have to give a bit of background before I start saying anything else. My parents were staying with the sister ever since they left Bangalore. Last Tuesday they shifted their base to our home, as my sister’s in-laws were visiting. On Thursday, they had to checkout something for me from the electricity board office and instead of letting S travel for just a day, they suggested that they would help out. The work was done quickly and they both messaged me as soon it was done. After 15mins or so, my dad messaged me that they were going home in an auto. Now it got me thinking. It’s not like they would take an auto so easily. In spite of us telling them to take a call taxi, they insisted on going by bus. To take an auto all the way to the other side of the city, got me suspicious. When I checked, dad told me that it’s very hot and amma was sweating a lot. Even during the evening call, dad narrated every minute of their trip and when I asked him about the auto, he said he was afraid as amma was sweating profusely. I spoke briefly with amma and she even sent me her picture. She was her usual self.. I did not find anything different and left it at that.

Come Friday morning, dad told me that they were going to hospital. When I thought it was for their monthly checks, he told me that the doc has asked them to get a brain scan for amma. I was panic stuck. The sister and I kept asking what was happening and why a brain scan all of a sudden. Dad and mom both gave some excuse as in mom was getting headache sometimes. The report was to be given in the evening of the same day and as soon as dad got it, he sent me a picture of the report. Everything seemed normal and I would have missed the fine print that said some “soft tissue density on the right side”

I was pinging amma and checking with her again on what was happening and that’s when she tells me the story. The previous day, she fell unconscious all of a sudden and had a minor fit like experience. She claimed that it was only 2 mins and that she was back to her normal self. As this was the first time, doctor immediately asked them to get the scan done to investigate further. I only read the word “fit” and I almost fainted myself. I was sobbing uncontrollably and started relating the fine print from the scan report. I tried calling my parents several times but before me, sister has called them and the line was busy. Meanwhile, feeling helpless I started googling the scan results and that was catastrophic. There were all sorts of news, information and unnecessary details – moreover the worst things I can possibly imagine. My heart was stuck in my throat and was hardly able to talk to mom. She on the other hand was talking okay. In fact she consoled me and told that she was feeling normal. She listed the events of that day for me and told me that she saw me next to her when she fell unconscious. Hearing every word from her brought down fresh tears. The rest of the evening is so blur to me even now. I kept crying, imagining things, kept hearing my mom’s words again and again. It was like there were numerous tight knots in the pit of my stomach. The fact that they both were alone made me feel worse. Whatever sense S tried to talk me into, was not working out. I could not even swallow water thinking of what my parents must have gone through for those two days, not even telling anyone about it.

S kept forcing me to sleep but the moment I closed my eyes, I could only see Amma falling down and having a fit. I was scared to sleep. I kept checking my mobile every minute literally. What if she gets it again? What happens next? How would she deal with another hospital stay? The questions on my mind were endless. Needless to say, my sleep that night was filled with such dreams that I kept waking up in a jolt every hour. The sister on the other hand was strong, unlike me. There are a number of things I need to learn from her, being strong is one of them. She would have been frightened too, but managed not showing it out and was giving courage to all of us.

Saturday morning, I was literally like a Zombie. Thankfully, my BIL was with my parents and that gave us all a little courage. After what seemed like ages, doctor checkup happened and the doctor claimed that there is nothing wrong with the scan results. He had been suspecting a high/low sugar coupled by the hot sun but has asked amma to be careful and be watchful for any other signs. Apparently he tells that she is too stressed and has to let off some steam. Sigh.

I can’t begin to put up in words what we all went through these couple of days. Her sugar report seems normal too and that leaves us with the stress option. I have been persuading them to stay with me for atleast a month, if not for their sake, at least for my satisfaction. Usually they are a sport but this time around, they seem to not want to come. I can’t say for sure if they are worried of travelling and I can’t keep prodding them further with my endless questions. Amma should not think she is a patient but has to be careful too. We have asked dad to keep an eye on her all the time and to help her out. Amma being amma doesn’t let dad do anything. We all try to make her understand that she is not young anymore and certain things would slow down. I don’t know if it’s empty nest syndrome or some other worry that she has, she has to speak her mind out.

Considering am only staying in Bangalore and can reach them any time I want, still it feels like a big issue especially at times like these. I am by nature an over-thinker. On top of it, the fact that I didn’t see her actually fall down, I kept imagining it and it was scary. After hearing what the doctor said, I am trying to push that image out of my head and have stopped looking upon google. I am filled with positive thoughts, yet isnt only natural for me to be scared for her when I am actually far away from her?!

I am really hoping everything would be normal soon. When I see my parents and know that they are safe, a huge weight would be lifted off my chest. I learnt one thing through this episode – never look up on google for any medical conditions, especially when you are in a panic. It throws at you multiple things that you don’t have to worry about. Google is not a doctor. Period.

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36 thoughts on “Panic, Worry and Staying Away

  1. Parents falling sick especially while you’re in the same city is such a nightmare. My prayers and good wishes. Google has a way of convincing you that you have a serious illness despite having the most simple of symptoms. I agree with you – as hard as it is, should try to stay away from googling things. Hugs and good wishes!!

    • Thanks a lot P. I have to agree with you, even for a small blister – there are all sorts of information and you are made to believe something is terribly wrong with you. Since this report was on brain, I cant begin to describe how I felt reading every search result. I am never ever googling medical stuff. Hugs right back to you.

  2. Hugs GB! I understand you totally. Been there.
    Google is not a doctor. Period. I have to repeat this 1000 times. But everytime the panic strikes I open google only.
    Hope amma gets better soon!

  3. Hope ur amma is all fine. Make a trip to chennai that will give u some peace. I m away from my amma right n I can totally understand. It’s just me n her so I m always super scared. Thank God my SIL is with her close by. Google is scary when it’s coming to searching medical stuff.. take care

    • Thanks Sri. She is doing ok now. That is issue right – they both didnt want to bother any of us and that increased all our BPs. Now thankfully they are with me and I am at peace. Big hugs to you.. staying in different continents is real tough.

  4. Hugs gb I have been in the same position of yours last year my mom was in same position but her case was lil different … Never touch Internet when it comes to health… She ll b all fine prayers for her good health

  5. Too much information can also be bad..
    How is your mum doing now..

    I am sure everything will be fine and when you catch up with them you will see

    Take care gb and my regards to parents

  6. GB! You really need to be calm and strong! There is PANIC in every word of your post. There is no point in two people being stressed at the same time. Since your mom’s stressed, you should try to lighten her mood whenever you talk to her and not sound worried yourself. It’s difficult for them to stay alone in the old age. They must be missing their daughters a lot. But they are probably comfortable in their space too.. Give them some time and they will come around.

    • Arch! Thanks for the comment. I know I was really in such a panic. Thankfully parents are staying with me now and I am at peace. I did just that, gave them the space to think and they came around. I think they were really scared to travel but didnt want to bother us and hence the hesitation.

  7. That last thing you said, 100% true. Been there and done that. Never never google medical stuff especially when you are distressed about the thing. You can check internet when you are in a more casual mood and just to learn what a thing is and with a very rational mind.

    Thanks god, amma’s reports are normal and it was just stress. Parents don’t take it that easily that their age requires some slowing down. They keep doing things for their children as usual and forget to take care of themselves. I literally have to force my dad and mom to go for their annual check-ups and follow up with any medicines that are required. Sigh! I guess the roles are reversed now and that we have to play parents for them and yes, we owe them that.

    • Every single word of your comment is so true. The roles are reversed now and it takes a lot of effort from both the ends to understand this now. Its also very difficult to see your parents get old and when things like these happen, its unbearable.

  8. Hugs GB!
    Dont worry much. Ammas have incredible will power and they will bounce back in no time!

    Cant agree more on Google. Internet in itself is a bunch of confusing stuff.We should apply discretion, which our panic struck minds forget.

    I have read lot of your posts! This is my first comment though!
    Keep blogging, I will keep coming back!

    • I hoping so too, Boomerang! Parents have come to stay with me for a month so I am at peace now. So true about googling medical info.

      Thanks for this comment and welcome to my little space 🙂 I am hopping on to your blog 🙂

  9. Sorry you had to go through the worry and fear here. So glad your mom is okay. Please do continue persuading them to come and stay with you for a few months. I understand the bit about her not wanting to feel like a patient. Yet this incident was scary on any count. Hugs. I put myself in your shoes all through this post and felt your anguish. Hope you recover your peace of mind soon and your mom is back to her normal self.

    • Thank you so much Pop, for this comment – I felt comforting reading your comment (sorry for the late response though). I somehow convinced my parents to stay with me for a month and now I am actually a bit relieved as they are with me.

  10. Hugs GB !! I can understand how hard it must have been for you…… I think often hearing on the phone rather than witnessing it makes it much worse…. Hopefully you are feeling a little better….wishing your mom a speedy recovery and restful times ahead….hugs !!

  11. Oh.. Hugs, hugs and more hugs.. I can totally relate to what you are going through. Sitting in an altogether different continent, i am soooo worried about my parents’ health when they fall sick. Hope amma is fine now. And DON’T ever Google anything regarding such things. Half knowledge is dangerous. You better talk to doctors. Get second opinions. I have gone through this when my husband had an itching lump in his back neck. Reading and relating to the symptoms, we imagined so many things and was worried, while it was just a fungal infection. Take care

    • Thanks for checking Sowjanya 🙂 Amma is okay now – I convinced her to stay with me for a month and they both are now within my eye sight 🙂 Thank you for such reassuring words. Hugs.

  12. I hope everything is fine too, I can only imagine, tears rolling down my face. TBH and I are contemplating with the idea of shifting closer to parents (same city), with my sister going out next month, I would want to be a call away to them.

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