Its been close to a year and half S moved to Chennai. Though I have had my ups and downs ever since, I have never felt at peace. My loneliness took over me most of the times. Yes I had S and my family just a phone call away, still I missed the physical presence of someone with me. Many a nights I have cried myself to sleep, which would put S in a very difficult position too. Over the phone, he cant console me and I didn’t want that too – sometimes crying just helped me ease my pain more than the comforting words. As I have said a number of times, it was our mutual decision. Yet, in times of terrible loneliness I would compare my life with that of S – who stays in his home, in the comfort of his family versus me who would have to be all alone – which isnt fair. Come morning, I would feel fresh and guilty for having such shallow thoughts. So, it was more or less a cycle. Some days were good and some were bad – I pretty much got used to it.
And yet, my stress levels have been at alarming levels for the past couple of health checks at my office, that is in the past 1.5yrs. The doctor who happened to meet with me this time had been extremely positive. She asked me why was I feeling stressful. Strangely, I had no answer. I know I am not with S all the time but is that what is stressful to me? Then she kept asking these questions as to why am I feeling lonely and whats my constant worry. Again, after a lot of thought I answered her I am afraid I would be left to deal with any issues. Her next question was what kind of issues. Given that I lock my door at around 6, I am not afraid of any intruders. So then, whats my worry? All I could think of was, water problem. Lame I know. Her questions made me think a lot and in the end, I understood there is no single issue I need to be stressed of, just because I am alone. These were her exact words to me after that –
Accept to the fact that you are going to be alone for some more time and move on with life. There is no point in brooding over something that cant be solved right away. You have a husband, who loves you so much and is very loyal to you that he travels down every weekend to be with you. Its just the circumstances which have separated you both. Stay positive, meditate, do what you enjoy, exercise, eat and sleep well.
Its not that any of this is new to me and yet it was like looking at truth in the eye. Shouldn’t I be happy that I am never left alone on a weekend than sulk over the fact that I am alone during the weekdays?! If I miss S, I know he misses me even more during the week. I can say that my life changed a tiny bit, after talking to that awesome lady. It doesn’t mean that I send off S with a happy face – I have a long way to go, but I am atleast not bothered much about being alone now.
I happened to watch this video shared by Tharani, and felt really good. After all, its not that bad being alone. Like yesterday, I had no work after going home in the evening. I wasn’t feeling hungry. There was no one to disturb me or bother me. I looked over the entire house to find two little pots and started painting them right away. What fun it was! Scrubbing the mud pots, choosing colors, squeezing the dried out paints out of the tubes until fingers started hurting, making some childish patterns on those pots and finally clicking innumerable pics! I had a whale of a time doing this!
See being lonely isnt at all that bad.