Of late, there are a number of things that are bothering me – that is apart from staying away from S. I never spoke about how I am managing all alone, with so much work pressure – not even in my blog. I chose to remain silent. Silence seemed to the best option for me. Apart from my close circle of friends, a few colleagues, parents and in-laws no one even knows we are not together. In one way it does feel wrong; to hide the truth from people around me but that again seems like the best option.
Let me first begin by sharing a few examples of how people reacted on knowing about this decision of ours. The first thought was about money. We were being termed as people chasing after money. Suddenly they seemed to forget everything about being ambitious; going after dreams and finding/doing one’s own passion. Even if we are money chasing people, whats wrong I want to ask. Money is highly needed and there is nothing wrong in wanting to earn a little extra, according to me. But again, that’s not entirely what we both want out of all this.
Next, advices started pouring in for me from all directions and still continue to do so. I receive multiple suggestions on how to be safe etc etc. After a point, I have gone so sick of hearing abt the same. I am not denying that I need to take caution and be safe and all that but how long can one keep hearing the same? I am in such a situation where all I get to hear are the numerous suggestions and advices. While its so easy for someone to advise me, they cant do anything to help me out really. I know its our decision and I cant blame others but at the same time I am not expecting anyone to further scare me by giving me a bunch of advices only. At the end of the day, I am the one to face anything.
Most of my worries deep down never ever surface, for I cant share them with anyone. If I were to discuss the issues, I end up only getting even more advices. I don’t want to make S guilty for his decision. I don’t want to scare my already worried parents by telling them my own problems. Sometimes, all this makes me feel like I am going to burst with all the stress I am unknowingly building on myself. These days, I am not letting myself have time to think of anything. Any thoughts == worries. Thankfully work keeps me busy throughout the day and I watch some TV – which makes my mind numb. Now that sister’s wedding is in place, I have one more reason to smile and move on with the big day in mind.
As it is my life is in such a bizarre state, people around me are further making it more difficult. Not to mention about the baby talks again. I just want to scream my head off! How many times do I explain that this is not even the time for me to think of baby? Still people argue abt the time being wasted, number of years being married. Recently I got told by not one or two but atleast three people to go to gynaec , as they figured something must be wrong with me. Again, I am remaining silent as far as possible. Silence seems to be the only solution.
Last week, one of my close colleagues stopped by my desk to have a random chat. She casually enquired if S was coming down for the weekend and before I could even respond, she popped up the next question – “Hey.. do you even feel like moving to Chennai at all, now that S has moved out?” I stared at her not being sure how to respond. My heart ached. What kind of person would want to leave her husband from a marriage that had lot and lots of struggles? I am in such pathetic condition, without a choice atleast for a few more months and I am really not enjoying it. I wished I could tell her all that, but I didn’t. I just told her that the circumstances are not so good now and she left. What gives people the right to talk of other’s lives? I know I shouldn’t get hyper with these kinds of petty things but guess I am at such a state where anything is irritating me very easily.
I better should stop this meaningless post at this point. Its just my state of mind, that is making it even more worse.