Silence and Other Things

Of late, there are a number of things that are bothering me – that is apart from staying away from S. I never spoke about how I am managing all alone, with so much work pressure – not even in my blog. I chose to remain silent. Silence seemed to the best option for me. Apart from my close circle of friends, a few colleagues, parents and in-laws no one even knows we are not together. In one way it does feel wrong; to hide the truth from people around me but that again seems like the best option.

Let me first begin by sharing a few examples of how people reacted on knowing about this decision of ours. The first thought was about money. We were being termed as people chasing after money. Suddenly they seemed to forget everything about being ambitious; going after dreams and finding/doing one’s own passion. Even if we are money chasing people, whats wrong I want to ask. Money is highly needed and there is nothing wrong in wanting to earn a little extra, according to me. But again, that’s not entirely what we both want out of all this.

Next, advices started pouring in for me from all directions and still continue to do so. I receive multiple suggestions on how to be safe etc etc. After a point, I have gone so sick of hearing abt the same. I am not denying that I need to take caution and be safe and all that but how long can one keep hearing the same? I am in such a situation where all I get to hear are the numerous suggestions and advices. While its so easy for someone to advise me, they cant do anything to help me out really. I know its our decision and I cant blame others but at the same time I am not expecting anyone to further scare me by giving me a bunch of advices only. At the end of the day, I am the one to face anything.

Most of my worries deep down never ever surface, for I cant share them with anyone. If I were to discuss the issues, I end up only getting even more advices. I don’t want to make S guilty for his decision. I don’t want to scare my already worried parents by telling them my own problems. Sometimes, all this makes me feel like I am going to burst with all the stress I am unknowingly building on myself. These days, I am not letting myself have time to think of anything. Any thoughts == worries. Thankfully work keeps me busy throughout the day and I watch some TV – which makes my mind numb. Now that sister’s wedding is in place, I have one more reason to smile and move on with the big day in mind.

As it is my life is in such a bizarre state, people around me are further making it more difficult. Not to mention about the baby talks again. I just want to scream my head off! How many times do I explain that this is not even the time for me to think of baby? Still people argue abt the time being wasted, number of years being married. Recently I got told by not one or two but atleast three people to go to gynaec , as they figured something must be wrong with me. Again, I am remaining silent as far as possible. Silence seems to be the only solution.

Last week, one of my close colleagues stopped by my desk to have a random chat. She casually enquired if S was coming down for the weekend and before I could even respond, she popped up the next question – “Hey.. do you even feel like moving to Chennai at all, now that S has moved out?” I stared at her not being sure how to respond. My heart ached. What kind of person would want to leave her husband from a marriage that had lot and lots of struggles? I am in such pathetic condition, without a choice atleast for a few more months and I am really not enjoying it. I wished I could tell her all that, but I didn’t. I just told her that the circumstances are not so good now and she left. What gives people the right to talk of other’s lives? I know I shouldn’t get hyper with these kinds of petty things but guess I am at such a state where anything is irritating me very easily.

I better should stop this meaningless post at this point. Its just my state of mind, that is making it even more worse.

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21 thoughts on “Silence and Other Things

  1. Acho.here, take a hug. I have given up on these no-care cases. Try hard to move past their words. Get some hobby, boochi. I know you sketch – may be you should do a weekly post on one of your sketches. If not anything, just a doodle will do.

    I know how hard it is to be silent. It feels like taking that person’s head and whacking it on the table. But all we do is, oh yaa..aaama..rightu..(smile)..then again..seri..”. Relax! I hope the new year brings loads of no-nonsense times to you!

    • Thanks a bunch for the hug Arch 🙂 I will try the one sketch per week thingy for sure! I know I must keep my focus on something that interests me and I am planning on sketching and reading only 🙂

      Your comment brought an instant smile to my face dear! Thanks so so much 🙂

  2. Hugs, GB! You do sound so very stressed out. I didn’t understand what your colleague was trying to tell you, but you do sound irritated by it.

    All I can say is this – If both of you know that the decision you have taken is what BOTH OF YOU feel is right, just stick to it. Bear the stresses, for they will end sometime anyway. If you cannot deal with the situation at all, try and find a solution to it. Above all, don’t be too hard on yourself, and do not take to heart what people have to tell you. Kuch toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna.. I know it is easier said than done, but it is something that we all need to do in our lives in order to stay sane.

    • Thanks for the hugs TNGD – much needed! My colleague was asking me.. “Dont you feel like moving to Chennai even now? S stays there already” which means she wants to know what makes me still stay here while S is in Chennai and that if I am still not considering moving to Chennai as an option. She might have said it casually, without even thinking.. but I couldnt just let go of it TNGD. The entire day, I kept pondering abt this. I know we both decided abt this for good and we need to stick on to it now.. or else it all becomes a waste of time and effort. What got me thinking was.. how can people be comment abt my life, when I dont say a word abt them.. I am still not over it 😦

      I am seriously trying the same TNGD.. thats why I am being silent most of the time.

  3. Right why are you listening to the people who say you are money minded or chasing money.. as you said even IF YOU are , How does it concern them.. we indians have this nasty habit to interfere in others what we do behind our own closed doors we want to ignore..

    YOU are right and anyone who says money is not important , is a hypocrite .. IT IS VERY Important.. gone are the days when we said money cant buy everything , well nowadays it can.. Sorry this sounds heartless or rude but thats the truth ..

    I had to listen to this when i came to uk all this I am running after money , i am a traitor left the nation.. blah blah blah and now the SAME people who said all that are BEGGING me to send them sponsorships..

    Money is very important.. FULL STOP.. 🙂

    END of the day its what you and hubby have decided and think is right.. Rest don’t matter, we complicate our lives unnecessarily thinking what will that person say , or what will aunty say or uncle say or neighbour say .. To _____ 🙂 .. what they think does not matter at all..

    Its you and hubby 🙂 always .. Take care and dont get worked up or stressed , I know easier said than done.. but Deep breaths, take it easy .. hugs your way

    • I shouldnt listen Bikram.. but when these people keep on bugging.. what else can be done.. I hear everything.. cant help taking some things to heart. Thats why even a simple comment is making me so sad..

      And thanks for understanding my take on money. No you are no rude or heartless.. Its the fact that we are talking about.
      I have personally seen how my family was respected after I got a good job and all that.. so I can understand your point too.

      I keep everything you said in mind. Thanks for being there Bikram 🙂

  4. Both you and S are pursuing your dreams, with mutual understanding and trust, isnt that downright cool and awesome GB 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Chuck away irrelevant advices and ideas of the world, stay calm and happy 😉

    • It will only bring me immense happiness if everyone thought just like you Visha 🙂 Hereafter I would only take on the ones that concern to me, should chuck away what others say! Thanks dear 🙂

  5. Hugs , Hugs dear..Exactly..I think the same many times : What makes others comment abt my life while I’m not even bothered abt them or dont utter a word considering invasion of privacy, decency etc..I’ve got so damn used to hearing all random comments , you know what, I came to a stage where I could guess from their looks and body language what goes on in their mind about the questions they have for me..I went into a shell ,GB ,because of others actions towards me..But now , I’ve become more bold than before, allowing people to comment and think whatever they want to and many times, enjoy myself in the process too and pose a smile..And as you mentioned, silence works wonders.Being silent is my policy too..I feel by being silent you allow the other person to squeeze his/her brains more seeking pointers for more information..On the other hand, when you given an answer or encourage their questions, we tend them towards a particular direction of the next thought process.But by being silent, they go clueless ..I can understand how such situations can get on to our nerves and we’ll keep pondering over it for a long time..But these situations are manageable and you can definitely overcome it , GB..You are multi-talented, with an awesome day job, interests in painting, cooking and with sis wedding around the corner, you have enough and more to keep yourself occupied..Just try one day at a time to not be bothered and remain silent and if possible, throw a smile too..And enjoy the reaction of the other person..Try this beginning with one instance, one day and in no-time, this will become second nature.. Sorry for the long comment and occupying your space..

    • Hugs right back to you dear! For the past few days, thats my thought too. How can people comment on my life and be rude abt it too. We never talk bad of anyone even unintentionally. Then why? Its like being good is not good at all. You be rude.. no one ever comes back to you. But its so easy to say and hard to follow.

      How right on being silent? We are feeding them more and more fodder by giving some info. We being silent would torture them hahaha 👿 I never thought of it from this perspective 🙂

      Thanks a lot for sharing all this Ramya! I am really really touched. Please dont be sorry, I would love to have you at my space 🙂

  6. GB!

    Having faith and conviction in what you do is of utmost importance. If you stand by your faith (and positive thoughts) trust me, no one can shake you and you will just laugh it off. And it is not hard. You have a clear conscience, you have done nothing wrong pursuing your dreams and mutually agreeing to do this.
    Don’t let it affect you for these negative and sad thoughts (that don’t deserve your attention) will affect the happy events to come and the balance that is struck! 🙂
    And I will tell you something more. Always give people the benefit of doubt whenever possible and move on. It makes life easier even though you don’t have to follow whatever they say (ofcourse!)
    okay enough of my lecture, Come here now! Hugs 🙂 Please don’tthink am philosophizing and all. Just shared my 2 cents because after 2 years you will laugh at it anyway, why not do it now?

    And yeah, go do those sketches you talenthouse! 🙂

    • Thanks so so so so much for all your words Kismi… 🙂 I will for sure try to keep all of this in mind!!

      Hugs right back to you!! 🙂 And yeah.. I will keep doing more of drawing hereafter 🙂

  7. Hey GB Hugs….Your life is your life and nobody has a right judge you or say anything about what you do in your personal life…But people don’t understand this simple fact and it is such a sad thing. I can totally relate to you about not talking about your problem to your parents..
    And the baby talk can be really irritating, i went through that and know how frustrating it feels.
    But you are taking all this very stoically, which shows you are very strong as a person…Take Care…

  8. I’ve been in the same feel of irriation past few weeks (reason might be different though).. You SILENCE is the only thing that you can maintain to get rid of these irritations….. Even I was not into wordpress till now and I realise I had missed to capture lots of things here 😦 I’m trying to come out of this state of irritation now 😛 Sometime these writes give me a positive sign 🙂 Love you dear 🙂 And the update is so so so true from heart – I can feel it 🙂

  9. I’ve been in the same feel of irriation past few weeks (reason might be different though).. SILENCE is the only thing that you can maintain to get rid of these irritations….. Even I was not into wordpress till now and I realise that I had missed to capture lots of things here in this space. I’m trying to come out of this state of irritation now. Sometime these writes like yours give me a positive sign. Love you dear! And the update is so so so true from heart – I can feel it

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