When certain wishes can’t be fulfilled right away….

My last post covered all the blissful moments I had during the six day break. No one’s life is full of up’s only. When there are some happy moments, there sure are some not-so-good moments, right?

This time, we had S’s grandparents visiting us in Chennai after nearly 10months. On the first day, I had made some plans and thus S decided to stay at home watching TV. With me being not present around, his Aachi (grandma) took advantage of the situation and started preaching him how we should plan for a baby soon. As such, he pays very less attention while watching TV. With this being baby matters and all that, only 50% of what she spoke went inside his head. He duly told me of this, before we rested for the day. The next day, I was alone at home with the elders and I had the privilege of hearing to their lecture. At one end, Aachi was telling me the benefits of having a kid early and at the other end, my MIL was telling how she is facing difficulty answering those ppl asking about that “good news”. I tried not to pay attention, but they will not leave me easily. I either kept smiling or nodding my head, for whatever they spoke until my MIL asked me “the question“. Wondering what it is? Its about me being the working woman. Its the feeling of the elders that working women postpone pregnancy because its too difficult manage work, home and then the additional responsibility of the kid. I really cant stand this thought. They simply assume this would be the reason, no matter how many times I try to explain them. The next thing that irritates me is the suggestion they come up with, for their assumed problem. “Give away the baby to me, the minute you give birth. You dont have to worry a bit, I will take care” Its like slapping me hard. I was shocked beyond words. First, they assumed me being working is the only reason we are not having babies now (which clearly is not!) and to come up with such a suggestion – I wanted to scream!!

Why should I suffer all the pain if I am to give away my baby? Am I setting up such an image by doing what I love to do – that is to work and earn my money? Is it not enough, they raised their own children now that they want to raise their grandchild too? What made them think I would give away my child? Are they so desperate to have a grandchild or  they cant wait until we are ready? There was a lump in my throat suddenly. The thought and the proposed solution brought me tears. I said nothing for a minute, even when everyone was staring at me. I just said, Let God decide whats good for me and let it happen when its supposed to. They didn’t have a statement in defense. Thats when they made the next comment, which irked me even more. They said by the time, we plan for our baby – the child will assume S to be his/her grandfather and will call him “thatha” (Grandpa). It just shows their frustration over the fact that we have turned stone eared to their wish. The entire day, my mind kept going back to this incident and even today, its hard for me to accept/understand. Things are not very different at my parents too. Guess what my dad said, when I shoed him the white hairs I developed over a couple of months – By the time you will have a kid, you will be called as “Maamma” (grandma) only. Huh! Coincidence eh?!?! 😦 They wish to have their grandchild soon as well, but they convey it subtly. At least I can shout or scold my parents even if they dont understand the circumstances. The same is not true with my in-laws. My attempts to explain them always fail and with every trip to Chennai I have to prepare myself to answer all sorts of questions.

Every topic discussed has to somehow end with children/having babies/something to do with babies. I am seriously sick of all this talk. I cant blame S, as he is bearing the brunt of it too, but in a different way. We still need to devise a way of tackling this problem until we put a full stop to it, by giving in to their wishes. These people are the ones who love me, I know. They care for me, I know. But I really cant stand if they make decisions for me, that too when its too personal. Aachi is neary 80yrs old. MIL knows pretty well that, I wont say a word against her. But does it give them right to decide my future? One of their other suggestions  was to plan a baby now and then wait even 10yrs before next. Omg! suddenly I felt like I am living someone else’s life. There were 1001 other suggestions and advises too.

Is marriage only about making babies? Is there is not something called as love and affection? Should we (I and S) not decide what is better for us? Just because I am married now, they want a baby. What if I stayed single at this age? Will they expect the same from me, as I am growing older every year? This is plain ridiculous. I can only keep my cool for sometime. The next time, I am going to be harsh. Even if its hurting for others.

PS – Sorry for the rant. No matter how many times I write such similar posts in my blog, I guess this keeps coming back until there is a permanent solution! Sigh.

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30 thoughts on “When certain wishes can’t be fulfilled right away….

  1. From my experiences, I can say that as people age, they tend to become more child like. Tell them or make them understand, it wont work and you cant do anything else other than being strict, just as you are strict with a child who is continuously torturing you for a ice candy or toy.

  2. I can understand your feelings GB. I think this is the story in every house… a couple as soon as they get married are expected to have babies. I have been in your situation. People expected a baby even though we (hubby and I) were not staying in same cities. And we were like we should at least be together first to think of a baby 🙂 And now of course they expect the second one. I just smile and keep quite 🙂
    And yes, I have had such (well meaning) offers too of keeping the baby since I am working which I very politely declined. I am having a baby because I “want” one not because I “should have” one. I am going to bring her up myself and of course I will ask for help if needed but she is our (hubby and mine) responsibility.

    • LS, thanks for those words. Your comment made me feel so much better.

      I know this is the state of most of the couple who plan their babies, in our country. You know, my MIL was asking me for good news even when I and S were away initially. That was exactly my thought – first let us be together first 🙂 Its like a circle isn’t it? First it starts with wedding, then first baby and then the next one. Sigh!

      Very true LS. I should have my baby when I want, not because others feel I should.

      I will keep this in mind and reply her, if she brings up the question of “others asking her about my good news” thing.

  3. Hmm Well I don’t want to comment on anything here, as I did not have any of these problems.. I guess living far far away from parents and especially Relatives helps a lot 🙂 I am in uk they all in india .. phewwwwwwwwwwwwww..

    I will like to say on my knowledge (and it is quiet stupid, i tell you).. I guess the grandparents say it , because they are getting old and just don’t want to miss on the opportunity of having some good times with their grand-kids .. maybe that’s the reason they say what they say and then Another thing is they don’t know what you guys are thinking or planning , maybe if you tell them , I guess they ask a question to Each other and then they reply to that question themselves .. (i hope you know what i mean), so maybe you and hubby need to sit them down and tell them the Plan , that will ease them ..

    I am not talking any sides .. so please don’t get angry with me ..

    now on other hand what you go through each time they say something is also not good , it brings a bad feeling around , hence back to the talking phase ..

    Having a baby, When to have a baby is Completely a decision of husband and wife, it should never ever be influenced by anyone else , no matter who they are . so maybe you need to Ignore such questions sometimes .. I know very hard ..

    • Staying away from relatives really helps 😀 (in these kind of issues)

      Tell you what Bikram, you are absolutely right. They are getting aged and they just wish they get to play with their grand children sooner. I know that is really the reason being them pestering us. In my case, we have told not once or twice but everytime she confronts us – of our plans. For that moment, it looks goods. What happens the next time, she starts again – on the same thing(as if the previous conversation never happened) may be thats why I am getting restless and irritated.

      What you said is right Bikram! How will I get angry on you 🙂

      its really not pleasant to have these kind of conversations with her, especially when there are so many ppl around and that infront of my younger SILs.

      I am also trying hard to ignore her questions, which is quite hard 😦

  4. Don’t worry GB because it is their work to tell their daughter in law. In terms of parents, yes you can always ask them to keep quiet but not in laws. Since you can’t do anything there, I would say just chill.

  5. Sigh! Been there done that!! We too were targetted the same way till I finally concieved. And after a point of time it does get irritating & depressing. Even my MIL used to say the same thing that she will take care of the baby (and she kept her word and shifted with us) but that was not the reason for us not having a baby till a specific time. It was by choice. And the torture was so much that I used to dread visitng my In laws for this very reason.

    Sadly in India families donot understand this and keep on stressing on things which come under personal life and they also forget that their own kids are grown up enough to take big decisions.

    All I can suggest you is that do not take whatever she says literally and don’t get too much worked up. Whenever you are meeting them be mentally prepared for the torture and tell your In Laws that it is a mutual decision and they shud let you guys be.

    Take care & cheer up, all this is part & parcel of family life in India.

    • Smita… I am really feeling much better reading this comment.
      I am not against my MIl moving with us, she is more than welcome. But she wouldn’t. instead she is proposing, she will take care of the baby being in Chennai and I can work in Bangalore it seems, if taking care of the baby is the only thing thats bothering me. Sigh!

      Very true Smita. When it comes to pregnancy and having babies, ppl behave as if they are the only ones entitled to speak up. Some days back, a lady selling flowers at my ILs took the opportunity to advise me. I was like – now why are you advising me?

      I am trying really hard not to take her words literally Smita. At the end of the day, I am the one feeling the frustration, anger and tension. We have told her several times, on what plans we have. She doesnt care to hear and that irritates me more 😦

      Thanks for being there 🙂

  6. The only trick that works after having tried explaining them your (S and your own) point of view is to simply ignore their advises. Ignoring works. Be it kids or elders it works with everyone. It’s tough in the start, might even make you feel guilty but in no time your message will reach them that their advises/ suggestions/ etc are not going to work and they all will let you be.

    I know it’s very tough and crazy suggestions like these will only increase with each passing day. Don’t take them to your heart. Go deaf, dumb and blind!

    Tight hugs dear…take care!

    • ME.. I am already trying hard to ignore her when she is into this advising and “want-my-grandchild-right-away” mode. Most of the times, its working. But at times, her lecture is going over board. These days, she is choosing the time only when everyone is around – particularly S should be missing (if outsiders are present, all the more good) to talk of these things. She believes that way, she could get her words in my mind. It only making me more and more irritated. 😦

      I am really act deaf, dumb and blind 🙂 Thats the only way to keep myself sane.

      Thanks a lot for being there ME 🙂 hugs!

  7. Achoo GB, hugs dear..I can understand how you feel..but I guess that’s the same situation in most of our Indian families..And if it is from the In-laws, it’s even more terrible since you can’t validate yourself beyond a point..but as you said, you can do that with your parents, no matter how many times..

    Forget families, I have read a lot about the importance of not postponing one’s first baby too much as it can cause many complications later on..But not all of us can afford to follow it right..IMO, families should leave it to the couple to decide for themselves when to have a baby..but sigh..will our elders ever learn..I guess it’s the way they put it across which is irking..though they mean good..but no, I would have also felt horrible if I had been told to give my baby to others to bring him/her up..

    So, all I can say is stay cool..this too shall pass as soon as you decide on the permanent solution 😉

    • Hugs Nith 🙂 I know this is the situation in most of the Indian families.. sigh! I always scold my mom, if she tries to advise me.The same cant be implemented on my ILs. 😦

      We all know the side effects of certain acts of us. But what to do, sometimes we all need to make some compromising decisions. My MIL knows everything in and out and yet, she pesters us. Its so hard for her to accept that I am not expecting yet even after 1.5yrs of marriage. She keeps saying, S (her first baby) was 30days old for her thala deepavali. She kind of expected the same from me. 😦

      Ha ha ha..:) this too shall pass only if we find the permanent solution 😛

      • I just cracked up reading //She keeps saying, S (her first baby) was 30days old for her thala deepavali. She kind of expected the same from me.// 😀
        Sorry GB, don’t know why 😦

        Have a suggestion..Just talk to S and let him know how much your MIL’s words are affecting you (not that he wouldn’t know)..ask him to have a talk with her and tell her(request?) not to bring up the topic with you as it is bothering you a lot..he just has to handle it diplomatically and as far as I know mothers listen to their sons more than their DIL’s ..they are also scared of incurring their sons’ wrath..so maybe, just maybe, S can actually help you out..

      • Its okay Nith 🙂 It makes me laugh at times too. Just because she conceived immediately, its not necessary that I should do too, right? She fails to understand that logic. Funnily, just a month before our thala deepavali (last year) she was so adamant that she wants a grandchild by our thala deepavali.. as if she is a kid crying for lollipop/panji mittai in thiruvizha. S was like – what?!?! Next month is deepavali and you come up with such a request? Are you out of your mind? haha 😀

        S has tried to do many many times, Nith. I guess nothing is going to change. He has told her softly, explained her everything, shared our plans of settling down – it didnt work. He next tried scolding her, shouting at her – which didnt work as well. Now my MIL only approaches me bcos S scolds her and I have to face it.

        To let me explain from this, S has even asked me to put the entire blame on him. Thankfully, now she believes its not entirely my decision. Sigh! 😦 At times, she talks as if her son has nothing to do with this. Once I told her – its not like I can do japam/thapam and then sun god grants me a child. Better talk to your son also. Anything I say will only have maximum 10daya validity 😀

      • Produce a kid in one month? hehee..I think she has become childish in her quest for getting a child from you and S 🙂

        So S has already tried it..hmm..I guess you’ll just have to ignore her remarks.. I know it is easier said than done..Hugs , hugs and more hugs GB

      • hahaha 😀 thats true she forgot the facts in her quest for a grandchild 😆

        I am really trying hard to ignore her comments. This happens everytime I visit my ILs. Only when it gets overboard, I share it here – kind of gives me some peace of mind 🙂

        Thanks for the hugs, Nith – much needed 🙂

  8. Like LS rightly side its the same story everywhere.. In my case I told everyone clearly that dont ask me till 1 year, and as soon as the year flew bye so did the questions started shooting too.. Yeah some also said that “U are going to hv kids when u are old like granny is it?” I know u cant answer back but just smile away…

    My MIL asked v politely and also told that She cannot take care of the baby until he/she is 1 yr coz its difficult and that My mom needs to take care.. My question is – Did I ever ask her or assumed myself that she will take care, Oh Dear God!! I will defenetely take care of my baby ourselves(Me n Appi)

    On a lighter note my friends answer to her MIL was- “Why are you asking me this question, Please ask your son not me, he is the one u know…” Lol isnt it..
    Her answer was -“Oh he will scold if I ask him so asking you” Wat crap!!

    U just be kool dear and it will happen when it has to happen and next time u politely asnwer them that u are planning, dats it…

    • Deepsi… every word you wrote here has really happened with me.
      I really couldnt answer when they said you will have kids only when you are granny.. Inside, it irritates me.

      Somehow for girls, we feel comfortable with mom being around rather than the mil. Only mom can bring that comfort, in some circumstances. But obviously, we need to take care of our baby, It should always be our responsibility – not the parents or ILs.

      You know what, I have directly confronted my MIL with this question previously. She kept pestering me as if everything was in my hands only. I plainly told her, you cant clap with one hand and so is this situation. Better ask your son about it, before asking me. That kept her silent for few days and then she started again. She says the same – he will scold me if I ask him is the correct here as well 😦

      I am going to do that the next time. Thanks for being there dear 🙂

  9. Hugs.

    For me, it all started with why I am staying single at this age and why my parents aren’t doing anything to get me married. They gave into the pressure that came from every end and started forcing me more and more. And now, years down the line when I am still single, their talks revolve around how I am going to have so many difficulties conceiving because I not even married yet and it will be too late by the time I decide to have kids. I have been at the far end of some nasty comments, from well meaning, close relatives / friends and even my parents (although they do it subtly and I yell back or hang up.) Anyway… the point is, it happens everywhere. One just has to find a way to reply smartly to shut them all up or just be frank and let them know that it’s your life and they are not to decide what’s best and what’s not.

    Again, hugs. take care.

    • Hugs T.

      I dont know why is it so difficult for our people to accept the way we decide to live our lives. I can totally totally understand what you must have gone through. Every person capable of speaking would like to advise us on how we should be living our life better. Why is it always like this? until a person gets married, its the question of when will you get married. Then they start about the first kid and next the second kid and then they comment on how we should raise them and this circle goes on I guess.

      You said it right, it happens everywhere. I just to find a way to handle this smartly.

      Hugs back to you T. Take care as well.

  10. Sigh! Same story at our place. My parents and in-laws want me to pop out a baby (literally those are the words used) as this is the right time for us. Even when we were newly married (not even a month into our marriage) people used to ask us for ‘good news’. We were just not ready for a child at that time, but people failed to understand.

    All I can say is that I know how it feels. I have learnt to ignore these suggestions if they come from my in-laws or other ‘well wishers’, but I sometimes be very frank with my mom and tell her what plans we have in mind.

    • Oh hugs TNGD!!

      Sigh 😦 Its the same story in most of families isn’t it? Educated or uneducated, working or stay-at-home – nothing matters. All they think of is – you are married for X years, why isn’t you are expecting yet…sad na 😦

      Ignoring only seems very difficult right now. I am really trying hard. With my parents, I can scold them or shout at them.

      hugs!!! We are in the same boat.. 😐

    • Thanks A, I will try to chill out 🙂

      I exactly know what you are talking about even before I read your post. People just cant be quiet right? They need to poke their noses, in whatever we do. I know its painful either way – to get bombarding questions in case of no baby or immediate baby too. 😦 Will check your post now.

      Yeah.. the suggestion was the most irritating part, which hurt me a lot. Further more she checks how good I am with babies, like she talks a lot abt babies.. or check on me if I am playing with any kid (like if I am happy or not) even thats irritating to me 😦 I can do nothing but ignore everything.

  11. Hey GB, hugs to you. I can understand how frustrating it is to see others trying to take decisions of your life. Though thankfully, i was not pressurized to have baby by my immediate family, the extended family, friends, neighbour kept giving their suggestions about conceiving.
    And after i had Zini, the amount of suggestions i am getting has increased manyfold. So i get advice on how i should raise Zini, what should i feed her and what should teach her and when is the right time to have another baby. It is all very frustrating.

    • ZM.. thanks for the much needed hugs! 🙂

      Its so so irritating ZM, when I see ppl (not even my immediate family, but just random ppl) giving advises on matters like this, which are too personal. I think, the ppl belonging to our society can never shut their mouths. They just need to poke their noses into every other person’s life. Sigh!

      OMG! I knew this would be the next thing coming. Until a girl gets married, ppl talk of that. Immediately after marriage, they talk of baby. Once the baby is there, they start giving the next set of suggestions. Its like a never ending cycle isn’t it 😦 the only mantra is to IGNORE, which is hard to follow by the way 🙂

  12. Hugs hugs… 🙂

    I can completely relate to this situation. Mishti was conceived after 4.5 years of our marriage and that was completely our choice…. elderly relatives tried all sort of tactics…quite similar to what you mentioned…i.e quizzing in public, that mom-dad would look granny-granpa instead, last wish and what not!!

    Another thing which still frustrates me is when my in-laws say “Give away the baby to me, the minute you give birth. You dont have to worry a bit, I will take care” …in my case they still say it if in any case i discuss casually stuffs like choosing between maid & day-care when i would start working again…seriously it irks me to core…we planned Mishti as our responsibility and not just a by-product of family linege!!!

    One important thing is that do not succumb to these emotional blackmails…i may sound rude but plan only when U & S are ready….till that time continue what u are doing….ignore, nod & smile and even sometimes say yes on their face and forget it!!! 🙂

    • Hugs right back to you N, thanks!

      elders just fail to understand that we are grown up too and can take our own decisions. Sigh! Quizzing in public makes us feel so embarrassed and slowly, I will start hating the person who do this to me.

      They just cant let it be the way it is, can they? I cant believe they continue to talk of this even now. Very rightly said N – baby is not the by-product of the family lineage. When our elders understand this, they will let us be in peace 🙂

      I just like the way you put it! We should do it only when we feel we are ready. Not because someone is pressurizing us. Thanks for those words, N 🙂 Really means a lot.

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