Disclaimer: This post is solely based on my views and opinions. Neither meant to hurt anyone nor intended towards any individual.
RM‘s recent post triggered my thoughts on how most of the men these days are and very recently I happened to watch an episode on a TV debate show called Neeya-Naana (Tamil debate show in Vijay Tv) where the topic was “Are guys these days willing to marry a city girl”. I was more than upset on how the men of this generation are turning out to be. Though many of them have good education and work in reputed firms, their thoughts go back to 1900s.
This episode of the tv show focused on what men expect out of a marriage, what are the expectations from women w.r.t marriage, why city girls are not the right choices, what are the short comings of a city girl. Through out the episode, I was cursing every other man talking on the show. Seemed like I had time traveled and had gone 2-3 generations back. Their thoughts would not differ from what my great grandfather would have had. I will put up some points on above topics as said by the men on the show (I am trying to recollect as much as I can).
What are the expectations out of a marriage and what is expected out of the girl?
- The first and foremost was that the girl should behave properly and respect his parents. Should do nothing against their wish. This was wanted by almost all of them.
- The girl should stay at home and take care of his kids and parents. Around 50% men had this expectation. For the other 50%, they wanted the girl to work. When she is given the liberty to work, she should not take things for granted and start throwing her (HER stressed here) household work on his parents or himself. She should take care of home as well as go for work.
- The girl should wear only saree. When these men are liberal enough, girls are allowed to wear salwars. A strict NO to wear pants and other western outfits. Again, this was being re-iterated by almost of all them. One went overboard and said that his wife would wear sexy clothes between the 4 walls only to please him (I want to bash him up for seeing a woman like that – she is not your sex toy). Only 2-3 agreed for her to wear whatever she is comfortable with.
- Some wanted their future wives have long hair which needs to braided only. One wanted his wife to know how to dress up well (to please him once he is back from office) with flowers and all that.
- Most of them wanted girls to have a big bindi (to show she is married) and a strict NO for make up again.
- All of them wanted the girl to be married to know cooking very well.
- A guy wanted his wife to know all the household chores – washing clothes, doing dishes, cleaning toilets, cooking , sweeping and keeping house clean with no electrical appliances to help her. I want to elaborate here – he works for a SW firm and earns quite well. But he cant accept if his wife gets used to all these luxuries that his mom didn’t have during her age. How great!
- Another one went overboard and said that the girl should not start talking to other around his home during his absence. I mean, no socializing. She should talk only to a selected set of relatives from her side. How mean!
- One wanted the girl to give away her salary to him, that she doesn’t know how well to spend her money.
- The girl is not supposed to have a opinion of her own – whatever be the matter of discussion. She should know to obey elders (including the husband)
There are many others which were equally stupid, but all these got struck in my mind. Aren’t these thoughts so outdated? How can someone expect a fellow human being to live with so many conditions? She has a mind and heart of her own. When she gets into a marriage, she has some expectations. Its her life too. And she has responsibilities and a family too.
On the other side of the debate were the girls who were trying to reason with these mindless fellows but is there any use talking to idiots? They never understand your point. I will not go into what kind of reasoning did the girls do but concentrate on the other thoughts of the men.
What are the shortcomings of marrying a girl from city?
- She doesn’t know the meaning of respecting and obeying elders (of his family specifically)
- Spends a lot of money unnecessarily
- Dumps half of the household work on the husband as she would want to go for job.
- Shows no care towards their babies.
- Her family(parents) become all the important for her. (whats wrong with that?)
- She will want to have her say in every other argument.
- Socializes a lot.
- Wears modern dresses (read as western outfits) attracting unnecessary eyes.
- Doesn’t know to do any household work and calls in to have a servant maid (which they think is unnecessary burden on the monthly budget)
- The worst of all – she makes a lot of male friends and can not really trust her (the fear is that she will elope with one of her male friends) how cheap… in the exact words of the guy who made this allegation – “We dont ask you not to socialize.. We give you that freedom.. but dont over utilize that.. One day You talk to him.. next day you start going out with him and the next day… you elope with him” (He is talking about his future wife) The host thankfully chipped in and gave him an earful. I am glad he did.
- One guy mentioned that he cant trust city girls who are working. He said he works with women in his office and how other men look at them. When asked what they are upto – he had no answers. So, its the problem of men who behave cheaply not that of the woman who chooses to work. But he cant trust working women only. The way he said that was so cheap and sarcastic. The host asked him if he would trust his own sisters if they work, he said yes. How backward is that thought? when he doesn’t even know whom he would marry and has no evidence on the girl’s behavior. Its bad to say this in general.
- One guy said – “City girls are like sugarcane.. they are very sweeter as you chew them.. but they soon turn out to be burden as you carry their weight on you” Again… how cheap of him to compare a girl to sugarcane.. She is not a thing that you can chew, use and throw off.
Again, all these thoughts of the men show that that a girl with modern thoughts will have her own opinion and thoughts, which is getting harder for these guys to accept. Why? they cant slave around us. She knows her freedom and wont fit into his narrow mind. These are only a smaller subset of guys who feel that the freedom and independence of a woman lies in their hands and they are the lords. There is no point in women fighting for equal rights. A woman has her rights of freedom just as a man has and no one can actually grant her that. Its ours, our freedom and no guy can give us what is a part of us. Its just that we need to live like that, as if freedom is in our hands. When these kind of thoughts start surfacing from the minds of women, guys cant take it anymore, most of them want to see their wives as slaves.Whether its city or village, a girl is a girl – not a thing. Guys cant play around with her feelings. If not the men (as husbands) the MILs take that part. Being a woman herself, MIL cant stand up for her DIL and support her. She wants her DIL to do exactly as what she did as a DIL (as its HER son now and cant see him undergo transformation). Even when the husband does half of the household work, he is being seen up on as being tortured by the wife. In this case, I should say, the outlook of society has to change. Accept this good change happily and dont tease the men who are ready to accept that woman is important and a human being too. There is nothing high or low about a man helping his wife. If its wife’s job to run a house, there is equal share of it on the guy too. He is not helping his wife, but doing his job as well. I am clueless as to when our society will have this mindset – not in near future with so many dumbos (like the ones took part in the show) having these outdated thoughts on women n marriage. If I had one wish that day, it was “Let these guys better stay as bachelors rather than ruining some girls lives“. They are not fit for getting into a relationship with this crooked mindset.
ETA : Adding YouTube link to one of the parts of this show. This show is in Tamil and sorry for the ones who cant understand – this is the only link I could find. (The other parts should populate automatically on right hand side).