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A tired mind..

At the beginning of this week, I had so many things on my mind.. Many happy things that I wanted to share here in all my excitement. Of all things, Thomi was turning one last Thursday. The sister had a small party planned at home and we were working on many things, to be done at home. And then I were to travel to Chennai taking a couple of days off, to be with the family forgetting everything else at work. I wanted to write a special birthday letter to Thomi, the little darling who has changed our lives for good. S was to join me at Chennai for the weekend and I was looking forward to the long drive back home.

Today as I’m on my return journey back to Bangalore, my mind is more tired than my body. Last three days were a blur, not of the good kind. It started with Amma falling severely sick on Thursday. A visit to the hospital, injections and medicines didn’t get her up on her feet. I have never seen Amma coil up like that and sleep unconsciously. Such high temperature she had. The party was planned and invites already sent. Rest of us had to take care of the pending arrangements while managing Thomi. She was an angel that day sticking to me, playing with whatever I gave her (or not). By evening amma was much worse but people started walking-in for the party. We quickly cut the cake and what followed next was the busiest thirty mins  of our lives. Between the four of us adults, we had to serve thirty people snacks and cake, all the while managing a little cranky Thomi. All was done.

We cleared up everything at home and rushed amma to hospital again. As expected she had to be admitted in. I stayed put with her, monitoring her through the night. I will admit that it was the scariest night of my life. As the monitor beeped every second, my eyes were glued to it. I am not an emotionally strong person unlike the sister and it took a lot of effort to not break into tears. By morning, my heart skipped few beats in between but things looked much h better. And then the morning the sister told that Thomi was running high fever too, they were at another hospital. My heart sunk lower. It was not supposed to be this way. Sigh.

When I saw the sister I cried. And that made me feel much better. Later amma started talking again and told me not to worry. At home Thomi played excitedly with me for sometime  before succumbing to fever again. Meanwhile we got Amma’s test reports and she had tested positive for typhoid. Few more injections, continuous IV and another bit so scary night at hospital, amma started talking normally this morning.

Last night as I laid on the bed next to her looking at her, I wondered how had she managed us single-handedly growing up with the sister and I falling sick often. Many a times she would rush through her work at home, run to the hospital, take care of us and then run back home to finish off pending tasks. While I fed her some idli this morning, I could see how weak she was and how our roles had reversed. Repayment of this kind never feels good. Period. Wish I could stop the clock and not see my parents age.

Thankfully amma was discharged just before I had to start to the railway station this afternoon  (S couldn’t make it which is another story) and thankfully Thomi was out of her high fever spell too.

This trip will be etched in my memory but for different reasons. It is not end of the dark tunnel yet, but I can see some light and that gives me hope. I’ll write about Thomi’s birthday soon.

PS: posting from my mobile while on the train – not grammar checking. Pls ignore any typos.

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You and I, Forever

The last letter of A Letter to You

Dear S,

The D-day is here! On this very day, we decided to start our life together and entered the holy matrimony. When we fell in love with each other, we had a goal. We had to get married. We struggled a lot to get to it. And we ended up getting married. What was our plan after that? Nothing. At that moment of you tying the scared knot, I had only one thought running on my mind. I am getting married to the best person in this whole wide world and I am going to be the happiest. After six years, I can still vouch for that thought today.

Six seems to be a big number, isnt it? But why does it not feel like a long time? I know. When you enjoy something so much, you hardly feel the time passing(Newton’s theory of relativity. Heh.) That has been my life with you so far. We have had so many ups and downs but the fact that we are in it together, makes me feel very content.

As we step into another year, do I have any plans for us? No. Even as the control freak between the two of us, I feel liberated getting into this year with zero expectations. I don’t want to anticipate what’s in store for us this year or the years to come. I am stepping into this year with the hope and contentment that you are next to me and that we can withstand any challenge thrown our way.

You know, in all the letters that I have jotted down for you, I just wanted to convey this – You are very special to me. My actions need not necessarily always tell you so. The words that I utter might sound a little too harsh at times. But I know it in my heart that you know how much I love you.

Happy anniversary, S! Always in love.

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Little Things

Letter-7 of A Letter to You

Dear S,

Can love be measured? I am not too sure. But if we are to measure our love for each other, surely you would win. In all these years I have realized that love is not about giving material gifts or taking pricey vacations together. It is in all the small things one does for the other that screams love more than anything else.

Technically today being our wedding reception day, let me remind you something. Before our wedding reception began, I had to walk to the entrance of the marriage hall and bring you in, onto the reception stage. I was trying to act shy and avoided looking at you in the eye. With all our family, extended family and friends around us, there were 100s of pairs of eyes on us. As it happens, you walked on to the stage while I was struggling with my saree to climb those steps. Not only you came back for me, you helped me get onto the stage. Soon, we were given garlands to be exchanged. I quickly put the garland in my hand around your neck and you did the same, except that the garland got stuck with my hair. Instead of calling anyone for help, you started detangling my hair, right on the stage, not bothered about the crowd that had started murmuring and laughing by then. This might not be such a big deal for you, but it is for me 🙂

The way you always walk on my left, holding my hands wherever we are.

Everytime you insist that we sit together to eat, not wanting anything straight off the pan.

All those times you happily step out of the house to treat me with an ice cream or a cake.

The way you let me have your share of food just ‘cos I like it more than mine.

For all those times you insist on shopping for me, getting the best of the lot.

And many such little things you do for me day in and day out. I feel loved and special when I am with you 🙂 I don’t know what did I ever do to deserve all this, but I am eternally thankful for the life I have with you.

Always in love.

 

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S.O.R.R.Y

Letter-6 of A Letter to You

Dear S,

Many a times you tell me that there is no place for thank you or sorry in marital relationship. But then, what do I tell you for all the times I have hurt you?

I know you probably won’t even remember this. It was during the first few months of our married life together. You had come in late from office. I was very hungry. You didn’t offer to help me in the kitchen right away. I was beginning to get mad. And then all you had to do was tell me how I was making the dosa wrongly. I went crazy mad and threw the metal spoon on the tawa, walking out of the kitchen. It took me more than ten minutes to get back to normalcy and another twenty minutes to talk to you. Now that I think of it, there was no need for me to act the way I did that day. I was so mad that I didn’t even realize how I must have terrified you with my actions. Such incidents have not been repeated thankfully, but that day is etched in my memory for all wrong reasons.

All that venom I spill when I get angry, all the silent treatments I give you when I am mad – believe me, I feel ashamed and embarrassed when my senses return after I cool down. Especially since you are so nice to me and understanding. I have and am consciously making an effort to control my temper, but I don’t win over my mood every single time.

While I mend myself, all I can tell you is sorry. From the bottom of my heart.

Always in love.

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Thank you

Letter-5 of A Letter to You

Dear S,

While you are gasping at the number of letters I am writing to you and catching up on the backlog, let me write you this important letter. A letter of thank you-s. Often times the relationships that matter the most to us are also ones we hardly appreciate. Ours is no different. I don’t recall a single time I have thanked you properly in all these years.. So here goes.

For all the times I lose my temper and you don’t, thank you!

For all the times you patiently wait for your food while I click photos, thank you!

For every hot dosa & idli you serve me for breakfast every morning, thank you!

For all those mornings you sacrifice your sleep to go for a walk with me, thank you!

For all those evenings you walk in with hot samosas, thank you!

For all those times you give me your shoulder to lie on, thank you!

For all those days and nights you press my head massaging it in different permutations and combinations, thank you!

For all those lovely little surprises you throw me every now and then, thank you!

For all the times you hear me blabber endlessly, thank you!

For taking up every hobby of mine as seriously as yours, thank you!

For all the stories you make up to get me to sleep, thank you!

For gulping down anything I cook with an appreciation, thank you!

For trying to understand my cryptic mind even when I cannot myself, thank you!

For all the laundry you have done in all these years, thank you!

For all the times you have had to bear the brunt of my excessive thinking, thank you!

For showing me how to live life as it comes, thank you!

For taking over bathroom cleaning since day one, thank you!

For all the times you have to put up with my drama queen-ness, thank you!

For putting up with my unexplainable crankiness, thank you!

For being my partner in crime, thank you!

For holding my hands in every walk of our life, thank you!

For putting my needs before yours, thank you!

For being my best friend, thank you!

Thanks I have to tell you, many more times. For everything you did and continue to do for me. It is only fitting that I write this post to you on my birthday while you have been treating me like your queen since morning 🙂

Always in love.